Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
