my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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