I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
