Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
