I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
