That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
