Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
