I think my vagina is haunted
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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