Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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