I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
