3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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