The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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