bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
