this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
