i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
