Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
