I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
