I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is Oprah even human
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
