The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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