I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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