cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
