I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
