i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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