I want you more than these girls want KFC
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
