The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
