my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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