can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
