I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
