If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
