She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
