She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
