two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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