I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
