Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
