The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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