MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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