she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
