someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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