I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
