i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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