My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
