The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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