you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
