if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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