4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
