how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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