wanna go halves on a baby?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
