Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
