Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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