I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
